I didn't want to leave this place that I love.
This place of laughter and tears.
I turned by head and looked down the road,
gave my last hug, and said my last goodbye.
And --I promise you-- I was too sad for tears.
Camp this year, was different. There was something about last year that was just so different from 2011 that you couldn't even see it from a mile away. Maybe it was because before, I was focused on having fun or maybe it was because none of my "friends" were actually there this year (because they are all a year older than me and this was my last year, so their last year was last year...you totally get what I'm saying), but this year I was so focused on listening to everything. I was so focused on actually learning something and actually bringing that beautiful spiritual life back with me, instead of leaving it behind like I always had.
But the simple realization that camp is actually over; it never quite settles in until you arrive home. And this year, coming home was different. The feeling as I walked through the front door of the house I hadn't been inside in two weeks, and as I realized that I wasn't ever going back to camp for another year--all of that was a whole new thought to me. And the realization that most of those people there--I wouldn't see until another year either... those realizations alone were the most unwanted realizations I've ever had.
When I close my eyes, I can imagine that I'm there. I can imagine that I hear the voices of my best friends and counselors. But truly, in the end--I'm not there. I'm at home. It's summer. And I'm on my laptop (which, by the way, I haven't been on for a week).
I know that God makes everything happen for a reason, and this year, Camp was definitely part of his plan. This year I just know it was part of his plan for me to be there. And although I've never been able to pull it off before, I don't want to leave him there.
Sometimes we go to camp and be a 'christian'. We live for God every second we can. Then, we come home. The barrier between camp and life is broken, and, sometimes, we don't pull God with us to the other side. We struggle to live life our way. We try to do everything on our own. And in the end, we go back to camp again the next year--broken all over again. Things will happen this year that I don't understand. God will put me through things that I never wanted to go through. Of that, I am sure. But this year I've come away from camp with many things, but the most important is the realization that God knows what he's doing and as long as I trust him--everything will work out fine. And that is truly a realization that I'm willing to accept.